Consent Fest June 18th

Look for me at Consent Fest 2021 (hint: i am on at 8:40pm) – A celebration of Consent across space, time, and context. Where will consent take you? Well, on Friday June 18th it will take you all over the country to check in with folx practicing consent in so many different ways. 
Friday, June 18th
3:00-9:00pm (Pacific) / 6:00pm – Midnight (Eastern)
Streaming live on Twitch TV
Twitch is free to watch. Subscribers get more access. 
Go now and follow the Consent Academy to get notifications and updates from Twitch. 
You can tune in anytime, watch someone specific, and/or stick around for some or all the 24 amazing talks we have planned. 
https://www.twitch.tv/consentacademy

bald eagles (TAT Lab Prompt)

Prompt:

This is an Ekphrasis poem, the prompt was related to exploring this framework

Writing:

i look up to see the bald eagle
the sun lights the fire of my skin
the wind absorbs my extra moisture
i pull off my headphones and the music dissipates
i hear all the noises around me but my ears
tune into the heron calling from the salish
the tide is outlined.
i can smell the salt
and realize my mouth
is dry and i am thirsty
i hear my roller skates on the boardwalk
as i come to a stop
for a moment i am on awe,
again in love with where i call home
the sun is beginning to fracture
dancing rainbow across the sky
as i start to move on,
i see something else up in the trees
there are two, two bald eagles
majestic, royal

the first i had ever seen was in alaska has an awkward pre-teen
the bird commanded such presence
truly top chief
i come back to my body
realizing i am tired, dehydrated, hungry
so i skate back down this side of the point
to my bicycle
these freedoms are self-evident
these loves are mine
they take me to myself
this journey whose path is
hard to find

i reflect on words in this moment
resiliency
yes i wish it were not a word but
i need to survive
i need to speak of survival
i need you to understand the places these wheels take me
that are not defined by
human physics
but how do i speak
when whenever i open my mouth i am told this is wrong
i am wrong
i am sorry i am wrong
but wtf am i todo
why won’t you give me solutions
instead of shame

joy (TAT Lab Prompt)

Prompt:

My joy is _____.
My joy looks like _____.
My joy sounds like _____.
My joy is always _____.
My joy never _____.
_____ gives me joy…
This poem cannot be about _____.
This poem has to be about _____.
Even when _____, _____ reminds me of _____.

Writing:

skating
skating with others
wheels on the ground, wind, and music.
this is mine.
never yours.
free to skate
this poem cannot be about you.
this poem has to be about me.
even when i am skating alone, it reminds me of you.
why do you feel entitled to take this from me?

***************************************************************************************************

we then made our poem into a mini-zine:

weathered (TAT Lab Prompt)

Prompt:

picture of you or someone like you.

what the colors?
what are the shapes?
what textures?
what temperature?
What emotion?

what the colors? browns
what are the shapes? Angels, organic
what textures? grainy
what temperature? warm
What emotion? Pain, anger, ostracization, entitlement, dominance

Celebrate the beauty of you and those that look like you.
Allow these details to influence the story you create of the image.

When I look at the picture, I see _________,
I see ______________ ,
I see ______________ ,

When I look at the picture, I hear ________,
I hear ______________ ,
I hear ______________ ,
When I look at the picture, I feel _________,
I feel ______________ ,
I feel ______________ ,

When I look at the picture, I am _________,
I am ______________ ,
I am ______________ ,

Writing:

the edge is weathered, distorted
i am in the corner of the picture
my face resolve
i will not cry on my birthday
i will not ruin my facepaint
hand sewn ruffles adorn my neck
they lay at rest on top my hand sewn
clown costume
pockadots
probably because i loved a horrible song about a bikini with pockadots
i am holding something in my hands but it is difficult to see
due to the warping
what is seen is the ruffles likely from a handsewn, knitted doll
from my gran’ma that was too look like me
even though I always resisted wearing dresses

the guest are looking at the board
the square angles take up most of the picture
in the center is a tailless donkey
my cousin stands poised
unblindfolded
with the tail
his blond hair glistens
his face resolve in his dominance
yet still pouting that this party is not about him
the stripes on his shirt flow with the lines of the board
contrast to the where the light reflects off
the paper attached to the boardwalk
off my costume
off my facepaint
such a contrast to the
medium
the sameness of the rest of the hue

the contrast of me
in the situation
the party
the celebration
of my birth

then a second look
is my resolve
my defiance
actually a question
a question to the person behind the camera
why
why are you doing this to me

whole (TAT LAB Prompt)

Writing from the weekend retreat i just did.
Prompt:

– When was a time you felt fully alive and whole as an educator who happens to be BBIA?

– When was a time you felt fully alive and whole as an artist who happens to be BBIA?

– When was a time you felt fully alive and whole as a student who happens to be BBIA?

the question posed had three parts; i could not get past the first.
“When was a time you felt fully alive and whole…”
is that not why i am here?
i can be an artist, an educator, a student.

i can be indigenous.
i can be red.
no i do not have a sunburn.
the other day as i sat in the sun
it shone all the way through my hair
it no longer looked black nor even dark brown
it glowed burgundy
like the madrona

pigment dots my skin
some call them freckles
but now they merge and blend together
they become complexion

do you pass?
it depends on the time of the year
in the summer the sun tastes me skin
bringing me to life

in the winter
we here get no sun
no light
no energy to ignite the skin
i become vampire
dark hair, pale skin
hibernating

this day
the sun’s beloved
pheomelanin
defines my skin
satisfying my vitamin d fix

i am about to put on my skates
i can feel my heart beating
exited
alive

i am alone
in my solace
my solitude
my soledad
to differentiate from the soledad that was never truly mine

this is loneliness is the closest i have known to
wholeness
i am unsure if i am actually whole
or if i have given up on completing myself

we, humans,
maybe just western society
has this idea that we are not whole
without the other
without the archetype of other mate
are we man who must find women
are we women who must find man
are we gay and
just substitute
masculine and femme for man and women

maybe it is my ambivalence that distorts my desirability
maybe i should care if you are a men or women; if you are masculine or femme
but i don’t

i care if you are a good kind person
but not in a white supremacist domineering way
i care if we have similar beliefs and ethos
but not if we have the same religion
i care if we can share time together
iow that we have interests in common
but i don’t need to spend every moment of every day with you
but maybe we do because we can and we enjoy each other that much

maybe you are not an artist but enjoy my art
maybe you are an artist and enjoy making art with me
maybe you are not me

some say consciousness is the act of a greater being
discovering itself
that as we humans transcend
we add to this self awareness

it is a self that had to fracture in order to be able to reflect on its own existence
this is the best theory on god i have heard yet

if we are as said made in god’s self image
do we need the other to
reflect ourselves

do we exist without light
to refract
define our
edges

without light everything would be
empty space
blackness
not the blackness of a
black hole
but the blackness of nothingness

we have this idea that only light is good
that darkness
that blackness
is bad

yet light, whiteness
can only be defined in contrast to
the other

supremacy
is only defined in contrast to
the other

i still crave the you
that is not me
the self realized

the you that also knows we are one
but can also express the self knowing through
autonomy

i made the analogy recently of being an absence of light
surrounded by empty space
that light bounced off everything else in the room
this is how i came to define myself
where there was no light, no refraction
just emptiness
sorrow
mourning

mourning nothing in particular
friends who ended their lives at some point
but more mourning hope
mourning humanitarianism
mourning altruism

i can look at myself now
because i know that i am also god
and that i too can break

now that i am broken
i can see the pieces of self
unique

self-acceptance coming in the form of
giving up
giving up control
giving up
this need
this need to be whole
this idea that
there is only one way to be
human

this idea that my way of being human is
wrong
because it is not your way

this idea that i can only be one way
diamonds are unique
crystals, gemostones
transparent and yet
refract light
they are not white, opaque
they are not black, the absence of light
they are not opaque color refracting only certain light
they are translucent
they shift and change in the light

we hold these as sacred
as they hold some meaning beyond our understanding
we attribute them value

as with our ideas about being human
as i strap my skates onto my feet
i am a simple human
i recognize my nothingness
i am humble in the face of the universe
in the face of nature
big beautiful beyond my compare

the sun kisses my skin
the salish sings me a song
the birds tell me their stories
the wind carries our truth
the ground holds my strength

here and now
i am simple
i am god
i am the sun
the water
the wind
the earth
away from humans
i am loved

 

Take a Lover

Another piece that i am probably not going to use for the Queeratine Anthology. I am working towards drawing something every day and trying to post something every day. Not quite there yet but A for effort.

an illustration of two mixed race people with beards kissing.

Take a lover
Prompt “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.”

Trying to find the en espanol,
before i realize it is a lie.
trying to find that which was lost to my family
so much history
full of so many lies.

but i do want a lover who looks at me like i am magic.

i want a lover who
knows how to massage
aloe leaves
for application to
burns

i want a lover who
has at least five to ten bottles of hot sauce in their fridge
or appreciates that i do

i want to finish this poem

the sun warms my skin
i remember the desert
it calls to me
hot days
warm nights
cool lakes

i was always so angry at my parents
for making me exist in that
right wing hell hole
but now that i am
out
here
the world is shit
i got to know
woods
nature
adventure
freedom

how can a child understand
that there is no freedom
we believe escaping our
gamete donors
will give us freedom

we understand there are laws
but we do not understand them
we do not understand police violence

i don’t really remember the first time
i let someone penetrate me by choice
i just wanted it over
i am sure it was fine

i choose him
he told me he was a whore
and i still choose him

by idk traditional standards
one could say i lost my virginity to a whore
what a guy thing to do aye.

i am not a collect them all
lover
by any means
but i do like diversity
in lots of ways

at some point i realized i would always be
a fetish
a pervert
an object of sexualized nature

they want to look at me
stare at me
maybe touch me
maybe fuck me
but not in public
not to be seen

it was like that when i was younger
all the perverts

all the “friends”
who shun you around others

that thought of
having someone look at you in such a way.
magic

is magic not love?
is serendipity not love?
let us describe
prescribe
love
indubitably

i want a lover who
will drink tuttifruti and
tequila with me
like it was
sparkling sangria
even if it is kind of awful

a strange thing happened today
i saw people who live in my building
while i was on my bike
white ladies
tbh i kind of get them all confused
so maybe i shouldn’t be so honry
but i feel like i am pretty recognizable
rainbow leopard print and all
two of them
whom i have spoken with
a few times
neither recognized me
until
i pulled down my mask and
shouted my name

i felt redeemed later
as i was biking home
i ran into an older black man
who i would skate behind and
emulate at the rink
i mean i knew he knew i was copying him
lolol
but totally out of context with my blue eyeblocking sunglass
and rainbow leopard print bandana over my face
and he recognized me before i – him
at first i thought it might be the nod of
hello fellow human
sharing this path with me but then i quickly realized
that it was a hello human that i know from another place

the older black man
like the older ndn man
extinct
beautiful
unicorns

not that black and ndn women
fair any better

sometimes i am just astounded at
the complexity
the beauty
that is wasted
because
racism

black and ndn women
and latinx women
are to be the source of
steadfastness
they must endear all

and men are always seen as
the villain

in their youth they are the Gs.
but as adults
what do they face
what do my comrades in arms
face
what do i face

i want a lover
maybe that is all this
poem
prose
rant
mini polemic
that is all this is

i want a lover
who understands me
who understands the complexity of me

i want a lover who will hold my hand
in a room full of people

i want a lover who will
look at me
in a room full of people
like none of them
exist

moments replay in my head
time has slowed down
is it my memory
or did time
really slow down

i can’t remember hearing the music
or any of the people
around
i can only remember
my heart beat

why does it have to be like this

i just want a lover
who sees me as
irreplaceable

i want a lover who
will sail to Hawaii
with me
then to
the now named
Mariana Islands
home of the Chamorro
then to

do you want to sail around the world with me?
they say to a stranger
or maybe no one in particular

i want a lover who
eats
raw
a lemon or lime
a jalapeno or other pepper
a ‘put anything here’
except like dead animal
maybe fish and seafood
and insects

i want a lover who
loves
that in the 8th or 9th grade
i got a B+ instead of an A in Biology one quarter
because
i refused to dissect a frog
i did a computer model instead
it was just as informative
and i didn’t kill a frog
but i received a lower grade for it
it wasn’t hard to make happen
the teacher already had
the program

teach them to
kill
at a young age
without
remorse
punish them when they
falter

see i was not squeamish
i have since dissected many
living beings

i have sewn
fake lacerations
on pigs feet
poked veins
drawn blood

i taken shots of
whiskey
and let someone
pull
gravel
from my face

i have felt my own
elbow
go back into place

i have felt the
other
so out of place
i had to hospital
with seizures
from the pain
i could feel the
joint
so far off
bone sticking
out
three
people
to put it back

such a small fall

i want a lover who
thinks
Frida Kahlo
was amazing
and Diego
puede comer mierda

most days though
i just
want
a
lover

it is funny to be here
so old
and interacting
with people
so young
but i do not seem
old
to them
they do not know
only see what i present

i am mostly my father
i see my father in me
more than my mother
my mom and my sister look the same
really
it is obvious they are
related
i don’t really look like them

genes are interesting
we think we understand
but we really don’t

i really have very little grey
my sister was grey
for as long as i remember
which is around when she was in her early 20s
mom too
they were always dying
doing all this stuff to their hair
and well who am i to say
i am not a women
i never really have been
i have never cared if someone thought i was old

honestly often i wished people would
see me as older
i have always been treated like a child

but now i am usually mistaken for
about ten years younger

i am sure they would like the
secret
my fountain of youth

i mean technically my sister
might have
been able to birth me
fifteen years
i am not sure
when she first started menstruating

could i just pretend
she was my mother
that our mom was grandma
kept at a distance
once removed
from my
piece of mind

it is sad to say she looks it
we have those turtle island
cheeks
even me
strong cheekbones
melt to
how to describe elders
lots of loose skin

not like yts do not
sag

it is in a different way

I want a lover who
will still think i am beautiful if i start to
sag

fuck

i want a lover who
thinks i am beautiful

fuck
i just want a lover

you take nothing

song: you take nothing
musicians: ragana
what were you doing at midnight? you can hear the fireworks at midnight & watch me trying not to have a complete PTSD panic meltdown from them. i was “suppose” to be inside by midnight so i would feel more safe but was having too much fun skating and lost track of time. this is definitely not my best skate video or even the best one of that night but it felt emblematic to share. fwiw at this point i had fallen twice so hard that sober smitty has had to take a three day skating break.

i should do an outtake video bc they are often funny but honestly falling on cement hurts a lot more than wood or tennis court. i have lumps and no arnica. i did leave in my falls for this video but it only hurt because it was on my left knee and one of the bad falls was on it and the other was on my whole left side. Yeah that was the one that was hilarious. I have watched in slow motion trying to understand what happened. There is a greater slant than it appears here and i seem to often forget about how steep it is. i really need a skate buddy. i am going to kill myself.

 

drift

i started working on this piece for the Queeratine Anthology but then realized that i cannot use it for that which sucks because i like it. love sucks. scroll down for poem and audio

multimedia drawing of a palm tree blowing in the wind with words in the leaves
drift

______________________________________________________

 

drift aka dry p2: wet

i want to make you
– wet
i want to make you
– cry
from joy
i want to make you
– burst
from orgasm

i want to see you

i am so
– stupid
i keep coming
back
even though
you
only
reject
me

is this love?

(only if)

stupid is next to i love you

you only
– need
-ed
to be
nice
to me

i would have
– loved
you

i did love you
love
burst
my heart

fragile
sewn together
at the seams
of past
– heartbreaks

i never asked you for anything

i wanted you
i wanted all you attention
i wanted
– you
to be
– nice
to me

i never realized that was asking too much

the coldness
in your eyes
as they wouldn’t didn’t
look at me
– as they
ignored
my existence

i heard the
shatter
in that moment
as my
heart rupture

if you would have
– looked back
you would have seen me topple
in pain
almost falling over

a pain i welcomed
as i knew
it meant i could
stop
loving you
…soon
soon i will stop loving you

you helped
after that
– moment
after i decided to
reach out again
fearful of future
awkward
social situations

i served my heart
– for you
on a platter
i made art
i was already making art
about you
that day
so i shared it
knowing
knowing
you would
never
– love me
i would never
– hold value
i would
– always
be disposable

but i have a secret…
– i am better than that
i am worth more than the value you give me.
– you
you have been a lesson
– stop loving narcissists
time for me to
graduate.

RSS
Follow by Email
YouTube
LinkedIn
LinkedIn
Share
Instagram