Take a Lover

Another piece that i am probably not going to use for the Queeratine Anthology. I am working towards drawing something every day and trying to post something every day. Not quite there yet but A for effort.

an illustration of two mixed race people with beards kissing.

Take a lover
Prompt “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.”

Trying to find the en espanol,
before i realize it is a lie.
trying to find that which was lost to my family
so much history
full of so many lies.

but i do want a lover who looks at me like i am magic.

i want a lover who
knows how to massage
aloe leaves
for application to
burns

i want a lover who
has at least five to ten bottles of hot sauce in their fridge
or appreciates that i do

i want to finish this poem

the sun warms my skin
i remember the desert
it calls to me
hot days
warm nights
cool lakes

i was always so angry at my parents
for making me exist in that
right wing hell hole
but now that i am
out
here
the world is shit
i got to know
woods
nature
adventure
freedom

how can a child understand
that there is no freedom
we believe escaping our
gamete donors
will give us freedom

we understand there are laws
but we do not understand them
we do not understand police violence

i don’t really remember the first time
i let someone penetrate me by choice
i just wanted it over
i am sure it was fine

i choose him
he told me he was a whore
and i still choose him

by idk traditional standards
one could say i lost my virginity to a whore
what a guy thing to do aye.

i am not a collect them all
lover
by any means
but i do like diversity
in lots of ways

at some point i realized i would always be
a fetish
a pervert
an object of sexualized nature

they want to look at me
stare at me
maybe touch me
maybe fuck me
but not in public
not to be seen

it was like that when i was younger
all the perverts

all the “friends”
who shun you around others

that thought of
having someone look at you in such a way.
magic

is magic not love?
is serendipity not love?
let us describe
prescribe
love
indubitably

i want a lover who
will drink tuttifruti and
tequila with me
like it was
sparkling sangria
even if it is kind of awful

a strange thing happened today
i saw people who live in my building
while i was on my bike
white ladies
tbh i kind of get them all confused
so maybe i shouldn’t be so honry
but i feel like i am pretty recognizable
rainbow leopard print and all
two of them
whom i have spoken with
a few times
neither recognized me
until
i pulled down my mask and
shouted my name

i felt redeemed later
as i was biking home
i ran into an older black man
who i would skate behind and
emulate at the rink
i mean i knew he knew i was copying him
lolol
but totally out of context with my blue eyeblocking sunglass
and rainbow leopard print bandana over my face
and he recognized me before i – him
at first i thought it might be the nod of
hello fellow human
sharing this path with me but then i quickly realized
that it was a hello human that i know from another place

the older black man
like the older ndn man
extinct
beautiful
unicorns

not that black and ndn women
fair any better

sometimes i am just astounded at
the complexity
the beauty
that is wasted
because
racism

black and ndn women
and latinx women
are to be the source of
steadfastness
they must endear all

and men are always seen as
the villain

in their youth they are the Gs.
but as adults
what do they face
what do my comrades in arms
face
what do i face

i want a lover
maybe that is all this
poem
prose
rant
mini polemic
that is all this is

i want a lover
who understands me
who understands the complexity of me

i want a lover who will hold my hand
in a room full of people

i want a lover who will
look at me
in a room full of people
like none of them
exist

moments replay in my head
time has slowed down
is it my memory
or did time
really slow down

i can’t remember hearing the music
or any of the people
around
i can only remember
my heart beat

why does it have to be like this

i just want a lover
who sees me as
irreplaceable

i want a lover who
will sail to Hawaii
with me
then to
the now named
Mariana Islands
home of the Chamorro
then to

do you want to sail around the world with me?
they say to a stranger
or maybe no one in particular

i want a lover who
eats
raw
a lemon or lime
a jalapeno or other pepper
a ‘put anything here’
except like dead animal
maybe fish and seafood
and insects

i want a lover who
loves
that in the 8th or 9th grade
i got a B+ instead of an A in Biology one quarter
because
i refused to dissect a frog
i did a computer model instead
it was just as informative
and i didn’t kill a frog
but i received a lower grade for it
it wasn’t hard to make happen
the teacher already had
the program

teach them to
kill
at a young age
without
remorse
punish them when they
falter

see i was not squeamish
i have since dissected many
living beings

i have sewn
fake lacerations
on pigs feet
poked veins
drawn blood

i taken shots of
whiskey
and let someone
pull
gravel
from my face

i have felt my own
elbow
go back into place

i have felt the
other
so out of place
i had to hospital
with seizures
from the pain
i could feel the
joint
so far off
bone sticking
out
three
people
to put it back

such a small fall

i want a lover who
thinks
Frida Kahlo
was amazing
and Diego
puede comer mierda

most days though
i just
want
a
lover

it is funny to be here
so old
and interacting
with people
so young
but i do not seem
old
to them
they do not know
only see what i present

i am mostly my father
i see my father in me
more than my mother
my mom and my sister look the same
really
it is obvious they are
related
i don’t really look like them

genes are interesting
we think we understand
but we really don’t

i really have very little grey
my sister was grey
for as long as i remember
which is around when she was in her early 20s
mom too
they were always dying
doing all this stuff to their hair
and well who am i to say
i am not a women
i never really have been
i have never cared if someone thought i was old

honestly often i wished people would
see me as older
i have always been treated like a child

but now i am usually mistaken for
about ten years younger

i am sure they would like the
secret
my fountain of youth

i mean technically my sister
might have
been able to birth me
fifteen years
i am not sure
when she first started menstruating

could i just pretend
she was my mother
that our mom was grandma
kept at a distance
once removed
from my
piece of mind

it is sad to say she looks it
we have those turtle island
cheeks
even me
strong cheekbones
melt to
how to describe elders
lots of loose skin

not like yts do not
sag

it is in a different way

I want a lover who
will still think i am beautiful if i start to
sag

fuck

i want a lover who
thinks i am beautiful

fuck
i just want a lover

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