undefined missing

undefined missing from Smittened by Smitty on Vimeo.
This is a video of a live performance i did for the Fussy Cloud Puppet Slam on Oct 23rd, 2020. This is the videography i like the best but for funsies i am including a second take that i did. Do you like the second better? Lmk why via my contact page. Also text version is below for my friends who are hard of hearing and deaf.

undefined missing

I have lost something but i do not know what it is.

I feel i need this undefined.
half awake at night
i grasp the undefined
and pull the undefined close
only to realize
there was nothing there

it tears at my soul
rips out my heart
pumping blood onto the floor

i need this undefined
to heal my heart
and soul

i get on my bike to ride
in hopes of somehow finding
this undefined
this heart of mine
mi corazon

i ride as far as i can
across the city
across the lake
across Mercer
down past Lake Sammamish
back across to
Lake Washington
all the way down to
Renton
and back again

but this day as on many days
i ride to watch the ferries
i ride to past the people busy being seen
past Alki

i ride to the back side
where i run into
Cousin Blue Heron

i ask cousin cousin
please tell me
what is it that i am missing?
what is it?
have i loss
or did i never have it?
why can i not feel my heart?

Blue Heron only dances for me.

i say cousin cousin
i do not understand

Blue Heron flies away.

i ride on.
i come pass
Me-Kwa-Mooks Park
where brother Seal lives

i see brother Seal sunning on the rocks and
i ask,
brother do tell me
what is it that i am missing?
what is it?
have i lost
or did i never have it?
why can i not feel my heart?

brother seal stares
and stares
and stares
then rolls into the sea and swims away

i ride on
past the fancy houses
past the fancy people

i guess they call this place
driftwood sculpture walk
on account of all the
temporary sculptures people create
out of driftwood
to be swept back out to sea eventually

we all will be swept out to sea eventually

i sit on the beach for a while
and aunt and uncle crow come to visit me
i ask,
aunt and uncle do tell me
what is it that i am missing?
what is it?
have i lost
or did i never have it?
why can i not feel my heart?

they give it to me plainly
they say
“we cannot help you with this
do you have any nuts?
our family has grown by one
one hungry one.”
of course i reply
and dig to find my nuts
which they take back to their
littles

i sit on the beach for a while longer
sibling otter peaks their head out of the waves
i do not need to ask to know their response
they are always telling me to not be so serious
to play more often
they are trying to tempt me to play with them now
not even coming close enough for me to ask them
about this which i am missing.

Grandfather sun comes closer
as he travels to the otherside
i shout to him
Grandfather grandfather
i ask,
do tell me
what is it that i am missing?
what is it?
have i lost
or did i never have it?
why can i not feel my heart?

Grandfather sun beamed at me like he knew a secret but
wasn’t going to tell me
then he popped over to the otherside
and it began to get dark

Grandmother moon came out
and
i ask,
Grandmother do tell me
what is it that i am missing?
what is it?
have i lost
or did i never have it?
why can i not feel my heart?

But i was only scolded for being out
so late
and to get home
before it became too dark

so i got back on my bike
and rode back
but there was no
aunts and uncles
no
cousins
no brothers
no sisters
just night
the quiet emptiness
the void of light
it felt natural
it was the same
it was
the space where i should have
a heart

if where my heart is
is like space
could my heart be
in space?

floating all alone

i find myself slipping into the darkness
disappearing into the abyss
swallowed by the void
consumed by the nothingness

i am ready to be torn apart by the black hole
i am ready to become one with the great spirit

to be continued…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *