the inspiration

more writing i am over and done with and still like the cadence…

the inspiration

the inspiration was the crazy

i mean the crazy was the inspiration

the mess, from the mess came the
art

but it is all just a mess now

i am
alone
in my mess
all mine
to clean

is it really my mess
or the mess of every other fucker

i can logic out numerous possibilities
but i don’t know which is the most likely

i think it is the one
where you want to keep him all to yourself

i think this is why the ancestors gave me the message for you
i did not understand
i never understand their messages but they seem to mean something to those who they are meant for. most of the time. if you listen.

no i shouldn’t be petty. it is more likely that

i am just fucking nothing.
how would someone like you like somebody like me.

heartbroken
not at the loss of you that i never had
but the me that i thought for a brief moment was lovable

For a moment i realized
for this moment
i have been able to see that it isn’t me
it is you

for a moment i realized that i need to stop trying to change myself to become something
that you want

i need to change me to something i want

if you are not ready for me than that is on you

i showed up

is it weird that the place on my back
where my wings would have been attached
hurts
it just aches
….

it aches like the place where i just ripped
out
the cords
that
attached
me
to
you

i couldn’t wait
i couldn’t wait for the right tools
i bit into the cord
a frightened animal
trying to gnaw my leg off to get out of a trap

tears running down my face
i cast the spell
that
breaks
you
from
me

from
my
thoughts

from
my
heart

my ancestors start screaming at me
and i cry more

i try to burn sage to appease them
they take it all

the casting container
burns hot

i can’t stop crying
they won’t stop screaming
they have been enraged for months

i am not sure what i am too do differently
i tried to do what they wanted

now they are calling me back
this corporeal body
to separate from
this spirit

i am sorry i failed

 

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